The Storm Before the Calm.
5 years ago, there was a period in my life when everything seemed loud. The outside seemed loud, but my inner thoughts were also loud. My mind felt like a shore in a storm, as many ideas hit it. The ideas were a twisted mass of thread waiting for a cat to make them more tangled.
I spent 22 years with the Royal Navy. A life which had order, meaning, along with a clear goal - it formed me, transforming me into a person I did not know I was. It asked me to be tough, correct, and to have good emotional control. But when this started to come to an end, a quietness started to take over, leaving me to move forward without direction, any clear goal.
"I spent years on the seas - still, I felt lost and alone on land."
The change was not only for my work - it was also for me. At that time, I saw that my drive was dried up. My purpose, meaning, and reason had all vanished, which caused an empty feeling, and I had no idea of how to fix it.
I would get out of bed feeling already defeated. On some days, I would just sit there. I was quiet and distant, as if my mind had taken a vacation. I could not remember the last time I felt a desire to act. I wonder when everything started to feel very heavy. Through my phone, I would scroll with no purpose. I was just hoping for something funny or surprising to show up and wake me. Do you ever do that? Or is it a sign of something?
"The quiet was becoming my prison."
I kept all my emotions bottled up and didn’t tell anyone about what I was currently experiencing, not even Lisa (my wife). I was too concerned of people’s thoughts, that I would no longer be respected.
Eventually, it all caught up with me, and something turned me in an instant. Not turned me back to normal, but into a monster. The people who were nearest to me received the full brunt, and I’d started to push them away without noticing. Eventually, Lisa turned round and said to me, “Get it sorted, or I will lose her”.
OMG, this was an absolute shock to me. I had never seen Lisa the way she was when she said this to me. This was one of the pivotal moments in which reality hit me and said, “Hey, Mr, you have an issue. You need to man up and go get it sorted”.
After this reality check and fear of losing Lisa, I made that all-important phone call to the doctors to book an appointment. I explained everything I was experiencing, all the lows and mood swings, and to my surprise, the Doctor did not judge me. However, he did give me my diagnosis, informing me that I had “Anxiety and Depression”. What a shock, I did not even really know this was a thing. It must have been that stigma for me that I am a Bloke, and this is not a real issue.
This does not mark the start of my recovery but the potential to recovery and escape from my prison of silence.
Before we continue with the rest, ask yourself the following questions and see what your answers would be.
How would I explain what I am experiencing?
Would I be afraid that people see me differently?
It took time, but I made a choice — fight back, take control.
A few years after leaving the Royal Navy, I was still experiencing severe bouts of anxiety and depression and still letting it take control of my life, my actions. Then one day, when taking my medication, I just thought, “Do these actually do anything?”.
I searched online to find the causes of anxiety and depression, as well as coping methods for difficult days. After a lot of research, I had seen that you are able to control it; you needed to find things that make and keep you happy. It was to do with the release of happy chemicals, as I call it.
At this point, I was already paddleboarding, but I decided to take a new direction for this. We will come to this a bit later. What I did do was look at ways in which I could boost myself. The 1st thing I did was look in the mirror at myself and stare at myself for 5 minutes, letting my thoughts run wild. Once I had done this, I simply went into my office, sat down, put on some music to help me relax (Iron Maiden), and made a list of what my thoughts had come up with, and I simply put these into two main goals.
1 – Personal Image
2 – Need to set challenges
Doing this also brought back happy memories of the Royal Navy, which gave me a nice little uplift after being so self-critical of myself.
Personal Image
Weighing in at 16st 9lb, the best thing I thought to improve my personal image was to lose my excess weight. I had not always shall we say been plump, and the thought of being slimmer, being able to go topless on the beach, wearing a vest with no Michelin man folds, made me feel positive, so I decided to join Slimming World (SW). I can hear your thoughts now. Slimming World, that’s for Women, or It’s a fad. I would have agreed with you prior; however, it set my foundation for where I am now. Slimming World is not a diet; it is a lifestyle; you just need to stick to it.
At first, it was hard to understand what you could and could not have on SW, but I continued to go to the groups, not only to learn, but also to grow friendships, to become part of something again. As part of the SW process, I had set myself a goal of weighing 11st 3lbs. I thought to myself, this would take me ages; however, I was able to hit this goal within 8 months. What an achievement to lose 5st 6lbs in 8 months, especially when I was watching TV ads saying, “I lost 2st in 20 weeks”. As part of this achievement, I won Man of the Year at my SW group and was put forward for the national Man of the Year 2024.
I had just started to make myself a coffee when the postman delivered a letter addressed to me. I opened this up, and to my surprise, I had made it to the semi-finals for Man of the Year, so I had to go to “The Sparkly Castle” SW HQ for a day and tell my story. Unfortunately, I did not win, but WOW, it was still an achievement to reach that phase. It was when they said we were a group of 32 selected from over 10,000 men in SW.
Challenges Set
With my newfound image, it was time to look at goal two. What challenges do you set yourself? How hard do you make these challenges? What type of challenges do you want to do? All of this was running through my head, so I thought about what I used to enjoy and what I enjoy at this moment. That was simple for me, running and paddleboarding.
I was thinking of setting only short-term challenges for myself, to see if I could maintain the drive towards finishing these. With this, I looked at local running and paddleboard events, and a few came straight to mind. Trent 100 a 100km Team paddleboard event and the Nottingham Half Marathon. These were signed up for them as soon as I found them, that way I had to do them as I paid for them. I’m a bit of a grinch when it comes to money.
The Trent 100 was an amazing event; it pushed my SUP skills, but it also allowed me to fully experience and embrace the environment created by paddleboarders. The atmosphere is electrifying, people are friendly, what more could you want?
The Nottingham Half-marathon, on the other hand, was a complete kettle of fish. Not only is it a test of endurance and stamina, but it also allows you to push your boundaries, and you don’t even know you’re doing it until you finish. Running in a group for an event does something to do, I am not sure what, but you get times faster than what you were expecting, better than you have run before, especially when not run the 13.1 miles in training sessions. Whilst training for this event, I had to find longer routes to build up my endurance. Luckily for me, I live in the Midlands, and we have loads of canals. This is where I found Zen Spot one. There was just something about running alongside the canal that brought me peace and serenity, being in contact with nature. I finished the Half Marathon, which was an achievement, and did this in 1hr 40mins 40sec.
Once these events were finished, I was buzzing, so I started to look at other events. I continue to do both paddleboard and running events still, as these give me my needed achievements to ensure that I have places of Zen to reset my mind, body, and soul.
This year so far, I have done 4 paddleboard events with 1 more to close this year out, and 2 booked already for next year, with more to be booked once they open. I have completed another half-marathon, which was the Birmingham Half Marathon, completing this in 1hr 35min 4secs, setting myself new 5km, 10km, and half-marathon personal bests. I even have two more of these remaining this year, with another two booked for next year. Talk about a sucker for punishment.
Telling the Story
I felt it was important to record some of my new memories that I was creating, which helped me manage my anxiety and depression. This was not mainly to try and be a Media Superstar or anything, as I am nowhere near that, but mainly for myself. Simply for if I have a down moment, I can pick up my phone and watch these back to myself, see my new journey and what I am now accomplishing. This really helps.
I have discovered that my cameras—including several models and my drones—not only assist me in staying organized but also provide an additional area of focus. I need to always keep myself busy.
I have been playing around, making little videos here and there on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, about some of my events I have done, and been doing the odd little review here and there just to give a little something back and give me a little additional purpose, another small set of goals.
Recently, I created a brief video reflecting on my journey from five years ago to my current situation. This wasn't for a sympathy vote or anything, but I just wanted to share my journey and show others that anything is possible.
Unexpectedly, a few people added kind remarks—truly, it pleasantly caught me off guard. They said to me,
“Hey, you ought to take pride in what you accomplished!” That my path had significance.
These comments I go back to weekly, to give me the drive for another successful week.
Friendship
Since I have been going to SUP events, I have finally discovered my community, my place of belonging. These events, encounters, and joint experiences have introduced me to individuals whose generosity and resilience support me in my ever-present journey, even if they are not aware.
I’ve been privileged to build friendships with:
- Sarah Thornley, whose vitality and compassion resonate with every stroke
Sarah @ GBSUP "The Big Dippa"
- Jo Mosley, a symbol of optimism and intention
Jo @ NEC, Birmingham (Books got signed as well)
- Louise Freebury, Lynne Hawthorne, Leanne "Pinky" Bison, Eric "The River Ninja" Amada and Suzanne Patterson—each contributing their unique strengths, humour, and tales to the water.
- And Duncan Troy, who has bestowed upon me the position of Ambassador for Oscar Propulsion Flow Force— a role that I embrace with pride and humility.
“Healing involves connection with others.”
These friendships have brought an incredible amount of energy and colour back into my life. I would have never worked it out, but I feel the most energetic and the most like myself when I'm engaging with others and staying active. My purpose isn’t in a quiet corner; it’s found with all the fun and shared moments I experience with my friends.
Where Next?
If you’ve managed to read this to the end, I would like to say, “Thank you, you matter to me”.
Not only for reading my story but learning about my journey I have been on.
This is not the end, but only the beginning of my journey, which will change each time I make a new friend. Each time I’m in an event. I must continue to evolve to survive.
So, what are my next plans?
• Out on the water— I’ll be paddleboarding throughout the UK, connecting with new people, enjoying positive energy, and honestly, this community means the world. It resembles summer camp, but involves more falling in.
• Camera attached to my hand— I’ll be capturing my journey. Each photo, video, and caption serves as a reminder to me of where I am, who I have become.
• Collaborating— Raising funds for charities whilst doing events.
• And, naturally, with you—since this isn’t solely my tale.
“Don’t suffer in silence”